


One Last Thing

by Dafucq



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, POV First Person, Stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 14:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14750910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dafucq/pseuds/Dafucq
Summary: There is nothing more certain in life than death (and maybe taxes. Wasn’t there famous saying?). It is the one thing you can count on to happen, without a doubt, an inevitability you cannot escape. Yet when people are confronted with it, they don’t know what to do, don’t know how to react, or what to say. Oftentimes I realised it makes me angry, because here I am, the person about to die, and instead of being comforted, I have to be the one to reassure these people, that everything is going to be okay. It’s not fair, but then again, life rarely ever is fair.





	One Last Thing

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one shot fic from JianYi's point of view.  
> I had writer's block, so I wrote this instead. I did not proof read this, so sorry if there are errors, or if none of this makes any sense lol.

Ten years, that's how long it took for me to gather enough courage to come back here. I left this small town ten years ago. Here, this very place that I moved into as a small child with my mother, where I grew up and met you. You, my very first friend, my best friend, my first love, the very reason I chose to leave this town, the only reason I never came back, and the reason I am back, standing here now.

It wasn't easy to find you, in the time that I was gone, your entire family had moved away, and I had spent months searching before I found your sister. She had come to the big city where I lived, and by chance we had met and reestablished our acquaintance. She gave me your new address and phone number, but I waited several weeks before working up the courage to come here to look for you.

Now I must admit that I'm hardly the stalker type, yet here I am, having spent the last week hiding in corners watching you. For some reason you never seem to notice. Either I'm very good at this stalking business, or it is just more likely that in a town where you've spent your entire life in, there just wasn't a reason for you to watch your back. Lucky for me.

I wonder what you would think if you knew, perhaps you wouldn't care, or maybe you would ask me the reason why, because that's what most people would do, they always want to know the reason why I choose to do the things I do. In this case, the first time I tried to approach you I got cold feet, so I waited. By the time I managed to convince myself that everything will be alright if I could just go up to you and say hi, you had already met up with this woman. 

She's a very pretty lady, tall and elegant, and the baby girl she carried in her arms was just as pretty and adorable, she had giggled wildly as you planted a kiss on her small little face and tickled her sides. I realised later that they must be your wife and your daughter. She has your eyes and your nose, you must be so proud.

And just like that, I stopped myself from approaching, and settled on watching and following. You haven't changed one bit. Sure you look older, your face more mature now that ten years have passed, but you still wear your hair the same as you did in school, you still dress in the same style as you did back then.

Just a few more days of watching and I had learnt your routine. I know the time you leave your apartment for work. I know you are in charge of dropping off your daughter at the preschool situated just a two block walk away. I know that after that you will walk your way down five blocks, to a cafe near the intersection where you will spend your day working at. Your sister told me you bought a shop and turned it into your own. I didn't believe her at first, I believe her now.

\--

 

Today's the day, I will finally force myself to appear in front of you and do what I have to do. I'm nervous, so much that I might actually be shaking. Back then I had left without a word, I didn't even give you the chance to say goodbye, I cut off all contact with you. Do you hate me? I don't know how you will react and that makes me so damned nervous. In my head I imagine you would be happy to see me, but I am well aware that reality rarely ever lines up with your fantasies, you might end up punching me for all I know.

I walk myself into your little cafe, the bell attached to the top of the door rings softly to announce my arrival. You're busy looking over something on the laptop behind the counter so you don't pay me any attention. You hired a waitress to attend to matters like that so that's what she does. I get a table by the window in the corner and I order a coffee even though I don't drink it anymore because of the headaches.

I sat there for the longest time, wondering how long it would take for you to notice, wondering if I should just call out your name and catch your attention. The coffee is cooled to the point where most people wouldn't drink it anymore. I haven't touched it and I have no intention to, so it doesn't bother me. Eventually I pull out my wallet, leave enough cash on the table to cover the cost and afford the girl a nice tip, even though nobody ever does that here - tipping that is. I'm out of the cafe feeling like an idiot, thinking all sorts of thoughts, like maybe you have forgotten all about me, or perhaps I have changed so much that you don't recognise me anymore. I have been losing a lot of weight lately, my appetite hasn't exactly been what it used to.

\--

 

And then I hear my name. His voice glued me to the ground, it has always had that effect on me, I wonder if he knew. I don't turn around so he did that for me, and then suddenly there he was, hands grabbing onto my arms so tight they almost hurt. I can't decide if he's angry or glad.

"Oh my god JianYi it is you. I thought I was hallucinating when you walked out, why didn't you say anything? Where have you been all these years? Your mother said you went overseas, is that true? She wouldn't tell us anything else. Why didn't you contact us? We were so worried something had happened to you."

What exactly does one say in such a situation? Is there a standard script? Was I suppose to improvise? I should have prepared a speech, I had so much time to prepare a speech. And what's with the bombardment of so many questions? Which ones am I suppose to answer first? Can I not answer to any of those questions at all? I can feel my headache coming back, I hope it doesn't develop into a migraine before I'm done. I need my head to be clear, just for today.

"I'm sorry we shouldn't be doing this here. Come with me."

Before I know it I'm back within the walls of the cafe, this time I'm being guided up to the second floor. It's empty, and would be able to afford us the privacy we need. I stared hard at the hand holding onto mine as we approach the top of the stairs. It feels weird to be touching him again.

"Here, take a seat. Do you want coffee? Tea? Anything at all?”

I shook my head for a reply, hoping to shake that headache away. I'm at the corner by the window again, only this time, I have someone seated beside me, watching me earnestly.

"Couple of months ago I met your sister, she told me I could find you here."

"My sister? She didn't tell me she ran into you."

"I told her not to. Please don't fault her.”

He's giving me a look. I know that look. I don't want to face that look so I turn my eyes away. 

"JianYi, where have you been all this time?"

"Zhan Xixi…”

I haven’t said that name out loud in so long, it feels strange to be rolling that name off my tongue. Perhaps I shouldn’t use it anymore.

“I'm sorry. I know I did a very selfish thing by disappearing without a word, but I had to, there was just no other way.”

Silence. I didn’t answer his question. I hadn’t answered any of his questions since this whole encounter happened. I have a knack for doing that, apparently.

"Are you back for good?"

You know, we’re practically strangers now. I just realised. Ten years apart would do that to anyone. Habits would have changed, quirks, personality, speech patterns, just everything you can possibly think of. We could spend hours playing catch up and reminiscing over the good old days but it will not change the fact that we have become strangers despite all those hours we had put into our friendship as children. As adults, we barely know each other. Just a familiar face, a blast from the past. It's a real shame I will not have the time to get to know this version of Zhan ZhengXi.

"No, I have to get back soon."

"You're so thin, you might as well be skin and bones. Have you been eating?"

Great, I came all this way to accomplish one thing and now all words escape me. Should I just blurt it out? I've been dealing with this for so long I forgot how to be subtle about it.

"Zhan ZhengXi, I'm dying."

Different people will have different reactions to this particular piece of news. A good majority would think I was pulling their leg, or simply saying it for the sake of it. But a few minority, the ones who really know me well, they would believe me, and they would not know what to say. There was doubt in his eyes. I could see it clear as day. It wasn't because he didn't believe me. He just didn't understand what I said.

“I don’t understand, what do you mean?”

“I have a tumour, it’s in my brain, gives me the most blinding headaches, sometimes I get seizures, fun stuff. It’s pretty extensive, it’s on all the important bits in my head, and it just keeps growing. Every doctor, every specialist I’ve seen have told me it’s inoperable. They reckon I’ve got about four to six months left in me, up to a year if I’m lucky, but it’s unlikely I’ll make it past my next birthday.”

Speechless. He has been rendered speechless, his mouth opens and tries to form words, but nothing will come. I want to laugh, because he looks like a goldfish, but it’s inappropriate to do so apparently, or so I’ve been told. 

“I’m sorry JianYi, I don’t know what to say.”

There is nothing more certain in life than death (and maybe taxes. Wasn’t there famous saying?). It is the one thing you can count on to happen, without a doubt, an inevitability you cannot escape. Yet when people are confronted with it, they don’t know what to do, don’t know how to react, or what to say. Oftentimes I realised it makes me angry, because here I am, the person about to die, and instead of being comforted, I have to be the one to reassure these people, that everything is going to be okay. It’s not fair, but then again, life rarely ever is fair.

“You don’t have to say anything.”

And he wisely chooses to follow my suggestion. There’s my window of opportunity, my cue to start doing what I came here to accomplish. One last thing on the list, so here goes.

“After they told me, I went home and made a list.”

Wrong, I went home and cried and sobbed and wallowed in self pity and grieved and got angry at the world for nearly an entire week. Then I pulled myself together and made a list, but for the sake of my narrative, I’ll omit those insignificant details.

“It contained all the things I felt regret for, and all the things I wanted to do but never had a reason or the money to. Kinda like a bucket list, but more realistic. Well I went and did all of that, crossed out everything on that list, and now there’s only one left, one last thing, one last regret.”This must be embarrassment I feel creeping up on me. Strange to have such an emotion pay me a visit. You’d think a death sentence would liberate you on that front.

“JianYi?”

Right, to hell with hesitation, you only live once.

“You were the first person to be my friend after I moved here, and then you became my best friend. Thank you for that. In high school, when we ended up in the same class, I was happy, because that meant I got to see you all the time.”

No, don’t stop here, don’t stall for time, don’t deviate from the plan.

“Did you know you were my first love? I don’t remember how, or when it started, but by graduation year, I had fallen so madly in love with you that it hurt. It was painful to be so close to you all the time and I couldn’t do shit about it. There were so many times at school when I just wanted to confess so all the girls would leave you alone because I believed you were mine. There were so many times outside of school when I just wanted to kiss you and tell you how much I love you. But.”

And there’s always a but in every such story, that paints a picture of self inflicted angst towards the protagonist, as though it was some sort of act of valour, or some ritual that had to be done in order to level up. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Anyway, I’m such a fucking cliche. Maybe I shouldn’t have put this on the list. Maybe it’s the tumour talking, but why am I trying to justify my having been such a shitty friend who abandons their friends because of fucking feelings I couldn’t figure out when others could?

“I knew you didn’t feel that way towards me and I was afraid that you’d reject me and we couldn’t be friends anymore, so after graduation I went away. It was only suppose to have been a short while, so I could take the time to sort out my feelings, but then I couldn’t bring myself to come back, or to contact you, and then I just never did. I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend to you.”

I have confessed, and I have apologised, the list is complete. And just as well, my head feels like it’s about to explode. He draws me into a hug, which feels nice and I let my head rest on his shoulder. 

“Is there anything I can do to help? I wanna help.”

Just out of the blue, I feel like crying. Damn these emotions. They come and they go, doing as they please. Good to have a tumour I can blame on if need be. We’re not hugging anymore, I pulled myself away. I don’t need anymore hugs.

“You already did by listening to me. If you’re referring to my final days, I have that all sorted out.”

Now he’s giving me that look, that pitying, helpless look. There was one time, after delivering the news for one too many times and I ended up punching this guy who gave me that same look. Needless to say him and I, we’re not friends anymore.

“Don’t give me that look. Don’t feel bad for me, don’t pity me. I only came here to fulfil my selfish little list, because I couldn’t stand the thought of dying without you knowing how I feel about you.”

I should go, I feel like I’ve come and made things worse.

“I’ve always known.”

Wait, what?

“Known what?”

“I’ve always known how you felt about me. You were so obvious, I think everybody knew. I just pretended not to know, because you weren’t ready to face it. You were afraid, so I waited. I wanted to have this conversation after we graduated, but then you went and disappeared so I never got the chance to. I spent a lot of time trying to find you, but then I had to give up because of college, and then even your mother moved away and I lost my only way to find you. I’m happy that you’re here now, I’m sorry that you’re dying, and I wished you had come back here a lot sooner.”

Shit, what the fuck just happened?

“Don’t be in such a hurry to go back, stay for a little while longer, or as long as you can. I wanna catch up, get to know you. And don’t tell me it’s pointless because you’re going to die. You are my best friend, I’m not letting you do this alone.”

I remember crying in front of Zhan ZhengXi at kindergarten because I believed my mom wasn’t going to come pick me up from school like she had promised. I hadn’t cried in front of him since. 

I’m doing that now.


End file.
